Leaving early

The frequency of my posts in the past couple of months was fairly low, which might have led some of you to ask if everything is OK. Well, to be honest, I wasn't having a great time and this has led to a difficult decision: in a couple of weeks' time I'm quitting my work here early and coming home doing something different.

It's a fully selfish decision and I'm disappointed with myself because I wasn't able to resolve my disappointment in an inner way, seeking instead to change the outer situation again. But outer and inner are linked and as a beginner in Buddhist practice I have to acknowledge that the outer world still plays a huge role in determining my moods and level of contentment. So by adjusting the outer world to make it more the way I want it, this is then conducive to my inner practice and helps me make progress there. At some point in the far-flung future I may be able to recognise that everything is within me and be more stable, whatever the outer circumstances, but I'm not there yet.

In short, I'm still at this stage: When I'm happy and content I meditate more, when I'm not happy I neglect my practice.

Everything I read from the experts suggests that meditation in the long term will help to make me more happy and by not neglecting my practice (or: by having a habit so strong it survives my mood swings) this practice itself will ensure that I stay more content. Roll on those days, please!

So with that in mind, here are the 'outer' reasons for leaving. Firstly, I found it difficult to adjust to the monastery situation - how do I respect the monks' need for isolation from the distractions of the outside world whilst being a piece of that outside world? There's a big high wall around this monastery and punishments for leaving the walls without permission, and there are good reasons for that - it's the outer 'assistance' to reflect the inner vows that the monks have taken but may occasionally find difficult to keep up. However, as I put it to a colleague, "We, the Western teachers, are permanent holes in that wall. Everything we say and do is like a breach of that wall." That's how I felt and I couldn't find a solution, despite reassurances from the khenpos that indicated I was overreacting.

Secondly, even though everyone here is friendly, there are not enough people with similar backgrounds to me with whom I can have a relaxed, familiar conversation as I would do at home, without having to stop and explain things every two minutes or ask for explanations.

Thirdly, I want to learn but here I'm only teaching. Selfish, but true. So I wasn't learning much Tibetan and also couldn't find the type of philosophy instruction I want.

And fourthly, I was simply homesick, missing Germany much more than I thought I would.

So my first reaction was that I would come home fairly soon. But my friends soon pointed out that everyday life there is, well, everyday life. And although from here it looks attractive, I really ought to take advantage of my situation - being in India already, all my stuff safely in storage in Germany. So I listened to them and decided to stay. There are a couple of opportunities to learn on the horizon - yoga and Tibetan. And I'll go do the museums in Delhi and see a couple of other tourist-must-see-places in India. Watch this space.